then i grew up, and unlike that bruised arm or leg i got from playing with the boys which heals immediately, i got myself the "what i thought" was the biggest failure i can have in my life, not passing the 2011 bar exams.
it took me this long to write about it, because i couldnt find the right words to express how i felt during those most trying times. and thinking about it now, i am so thankful and lucky of the family, friends and the boyfriend i have.
the weeks after i received the bad news, i still had those crying bouts, in the car, in the bathroom, just about anywhere. i bawled like there was no tomorrow.
then one day, i went to church, had a confession, and yes, i was crying my heart out to the priest. i walked out of the church, with a renewed outlook of that failure. and i realized, it was not the biggest failure. the biggest failure i could have made would have been, not waking up from that nightmare and not trying again.
i admit, i still cry at night when i think about all the plans i have to let go for now. when i received the letter from the supreme court, i cried again. of sadness, i was almost there. but more of being thankful, that i still get another chance to try again and do better.
i came across this 'in your time, your will be done" post from one of my favorite lawyer/blogger sabitskipoint.blogspot.com.(i changed the name into mine and wrote this in my journal)
dear gayle,
when you ask me for something, dont dictate how i will answer your prayers. believe and trust that i have your best interest at heart, and i will do as i have promised.
working on your prayers,
God.
p.s.gayle, My ways and not your ways. and need i say that My ways are infinitely better than yours?
5months after that fateful day, i can say, i have become a better person. i still cry over that failure but that will not stop me to run toward the goal. and being a lawyer is not the end goal i have in mind now. but, that by becoming a lawyer, i can share the goodness and the miracle that is in my life. God pushed me further into the goal and He carried me through that moment in my life. and He continues to guide me.
today, i woke up, opened my blog and finally took the courage to write about that failure.
i remind myself, that i am blessed, afterall.
like my paps, who always is there to cure those cuts i got from running when i was a child, told me when he hugged me that afternoon,"anak, it did not define who you are. let it be a reminder that you are loved, whatever happens."
and just before i run to lose weight, and when my knees are giving up on me while running, i can hear God telling me, "JUST DO IT!"... i whisper a prayer of thanks and "yes Papa G, i will do it, all for your greater glory. amen."
